August 31, 2006

i have been having success with curves. i get there two days a week, and have already begun to see a bit of lessness. 1.5 ” to be precise. the pounds are still the same, but i am not disillusioned by the time it will take to lose this weight. i will just plod along as i am doing, watching what i eat, and get my trips to the gym up to three days a week. this week i am sick, so i haven’t gone. since i am off work, it would look bad to be jumping around at the gym. i don’t feel THAT well.  take care.poet



July 25, 2006

it was a really good work out. D, the lady who was there for her shift, showed me how to use the machines, and how to get my heart rate up. a little too high up, though. must learn to pace myself. but the music is fast, and the routine is really good. i’m glad i joined. i am, however, a bit on the sore side today. using muscles that haven’t been used in a very long time. thanks for all the support . i’m going again tomorrow. three times a week is good for starters, i think. that is what was recommended, anyway. the machines are hydraulic resistance and designed especially with women in mind. i like that. know this, i am committed to this, it is for the best of my health, for the rest of my life; which i want to be a reasonably long one. happy tuesday, all………………………….poet

new incentive

July 22, 2006

i’m joining ‘curves’ tomorrow. got the info today and i am excited about the meeting tomorrow to pay the registration. then, on monday, i will have my first session, first, there is the weighing and measuring, then they will show me how to use the machines, and give a rundown of the program more. i’m really needing this. i haven’t been feeling too well at this weight. the woman who gave me the info today has lost 72 pounds since january. i need this.

that’s all for now.

weight issues

July 19, 2006

i weigh 204 pounds as of my last doctor visit. i hate scales. i used to weigh 124 lbs. but that was back when i was at my worst with drinking and unhappiness. now i am all happy and fat. k, my personal trainer and dietitian (insert big smile here), has been preparing great meals, and planning my healthy eating strategy. i am now able to do some light exercise, so we have been walking and using the stationary bike. tonight, after a healthy supper of pasta and healthy choice sauce, we went for a long walk around the whole park. we admired the different ways people have added curb appeal to their lots, and gave me some great ideas. we also discussed my health and how i really need to pay attention to how i eat. i really am committed to losing this excess weight. i don’t wanna be heavy like this anymore. it doesn’t make me feel very good inside.

i’m pretty sure that the asthma and the snoring would decrease somewhat where i lighter. i imagine that i would feel a whole lot better in alot of ways. when i get home from work tomorrow evening, i shall take a walk around the park like we did tonight. it is a start. i’m still a bit nervous about riding my bike. (the doctor said to be careful of bumps and jarring or jolts). 

k is type 2 diabetic, and she took control immediately to lower her bs level and control her eating habits. she uses diet and exercise and has lost about 15 pounds. she looks great and feels better too. her blood sugar numbers are very good, and the latest blood work showed that if not for the fact that it was diagnosed last year, there are no signs. my blood sugar levels are good. i check them too. being in a high risk category i am careful of that. there is a history of diabetes, asthma, rheumatiod and osteo arthritis in my background. i’m over 40 and a smoker. 

i do try to curb my impulses. k is my realty check for many things. eating is no exception. so, she packs me healthy food to take to work, and i am drinking lots of water. (1-becuz it is so freaking hot, 2-becuz i should.)

i have 2 requisitions for blood work, so next monday, i will go get that done. then make an appointment for my doctor, and go from there. i mentioned that i have been having anxiety attacks, and headaches of late. and i think it is just situational. he wants to clear out any physical reasons. that works for me. 

with work, we get lots of discounts from local businesses. CURVES is no exception to this. i think i will look into purchasing a membership and try and get fit. it can’t hurt, right?  there are staff there who can assist me so i don’t hurt myself, and get fit. i like that. i think on my 45 minute break tomorrow, i will go over to the place and see what is what. 

that is all for the moment.                        poet

the sound of glass

July 14, 2006

maybe you have never noticed it. that sound that is made when one glass bottle touches another. clink. it is quite distinctive. unlike any other sound in the universe. on my breaks today there were many sounds like that. our centre smoking area is next door to the local beer store, and so it makes it sometimes hard for me not to look towards the sound ‘clink’.

this is my third sober summer. that is something i am very proud of. there are times when i don’t think of it any. then there are times like lately that the thoughts of my past are all consuming. it drives me crazy at night. when i get the flashbacks and anxiety attacks. i woke the other night with that familiar taste of beer on my lips. (that is creepy).

with all that has happened in the last few months i am quite relieved that i don’t drink anymore. but, man, there are times when i nice cold beer sounds really, REALLY nice. i have no intention of heading out and getting any. in fact, our home is designated as a dry ship. it is just too hard for me to be around it any i suppose. 

i wonder if the anxiety attacks and the headaches are stemming from the evil thoughts and horrid night terrors i have been having lately? i guess we’ll rule out any physical stuff with the blood work that has been ordered for me. i will look after getting that done next monday. my day off. 

it is 31C today, but with the humidex it is like 38C. that is frigging hot. i came out on my last break this afternoon at 320p, and it was the same climate outside as though i were in a green house that had just been sprayed. that wet heavy air, i used my ventolin and went back inside to the air conditioned climate. but not before i heard the clinking of bottles, and laughter, loud music, tanned bodies getting ready to head off to a night of partying and drinking.

sounds and smells are my highest memory triggers. i remember in the early times of my drinking adventure,  i would just get a few and get the buzz and all was cool. it was just a good time had by all. as time went on and my journey into hell continued, i would be one of those types who would be at the liquor store before it opened, (before i had to get to work, needed it), and be there more than twice more before the day was done. then it was time to nap, sober up, hide the cans and bottles, and make like mrs. farmer’s wife for the rest of the day. i don’t know how much he knew of my drinking and now it doesn’t matter anyway, but in those days it was scarey and traumatic. i hated my life, i hated him, i hated myself. and yet, i looked the best in my life. and now, with a few lot of extra pounds to lose, i feel better than i have about myself in years. 

it was a short lived drinking time, but it was intense. 3-4 years worth, but in that short a time, i packed away a good amount. of course, when that is all you do, no time for eating, cutting into the drinking time. i never drank on a full stomach, the oblivion came quicker if hungry, and less likely, at least for me, to receive a hangover. i always stuck to beer. used to drink regular stuff, and then switched to the light beer. moosehead light in the blue cans was my favorite. 

that kachish sound that the can opening made, and the little fizz i could hear, that cold, crystal clear liquid passing my lips. i can almost taste it again. and my chest is getting tight. 

i have only bits and pieces of memories of the day i had the nervous breakdown, and left home. i know it was september 16, 2001. but that is all i recall. the night terrors bring the memories to me sometimes. i’m not sure what to make of all this. it is terrifying to think that i might pick up the habit again, i so don’t want to. 

the weather and the season plays a big role in this for me. summer = fun= the times we used to have. those were good happy times, with some of my best friends. but i was not the person i am now. i am the person i was meant to be. the drinking was my escape and my reason to escape all at  the same moment. 

that is enough for now. my head is tired, and i still have some errands to run. buddy R has gone camping for the weekend and we are in charge of taking care of the kitties at her place. so i better tend to them. 

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July 14, 2006

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rocks and ramblings

July 13, 2006

i went for a walk after i watered the lawn. i found some really great rocks that i must retrieve to our yard. i must have them. they need to be here on our little lot of our fair city. i have some grand schemes for the yard after the grass gets going. meanwhile i have my mind to plan and think of all the great ideas on how to create ‘curb appeal’ .

i have always been partial to rocks. i love them. each one as individual as we humans. in fact, i have viewed myself as a rock. strong, yet silent. knowledgeable, yet unobtrusive. i must have been one in a previous life. maybe i was a geologist, i dunno. all i know is that i have collected rocks for as long as i can recall. i could stare at them for hours. i especially like the rocks that have grasses and trees growing from them. something so solid, yet enough of a space to give life to something else. shiny rocks, smooth rocks, sparkling rocks, makes no difference to me because i love them, every one.

i pick up rocks at different places that i have been. they might appear to be just a driveway gravel rock, crushed from something bigger, or it could be a pebble underneath my wet foot as i walk along a beach. it finds it’s way into my pocket and i cart it home. i have teeny tiny gravel (like the kind used in fish tanks) in our bamboo plants. there is at least one wooden salad bowl holding more treasures. i have rocks that have come from special places. i remember each place just by looking at the rock.

presently, i am working on a rock formation in our front yard. just a small oval shape, with some of my special rocks, including the rock that we used as a headstone for my beloved SUZY. she lay buried out at her farm for the last 5 years. when i left there, i asked to bring that rock with me, and the ex said it was alright for me. i have other rocks placed there in the formation; some given to me from friends (they know my love of rocks).

i will accept all gifts of rocks. doesn’t matter if you just picked it off your driveway, or if it was in your garden. maybe it is along the shore of your favorite vacation spot. my big bro D brought me rocks when he came to visit us on christmas 3 years ago. it was great. i have them proudly displayed for all to see. in front of the bamboo plants that are growing ever taller.

next time a rock catches your glance, think of me. enjoy rocks. they are what makes us strong.